River Brown

Finally! Time to write, for me, for my soul, and about what I want to say.  Sadly, it’s not rainbows and puppies writing.

For a while now, I have had a pestering feeling that makes me question whether I am happy with my job or not.  Yes, it sounds like mid life crisis, but I don’t think I am near that age when that happens.  I notice that there are highs in my work when I say, “YES! This feels fabulous, this is why I get up in the morning! This is why I give it all that I have!”

But there are also plenty of moments when I wonder if I am getting the satisfaction from my work that I once felt.  There are times when I would much rather hide under a blanket or just leave suddenly and get yogurt instead.  So for now I am paying close attention to the highs and lows at work. What about that moment made me feel so great? What was it that I didn’t like?

Sounds like a big fat mid life crisis. Oh, how I will hate myself if I turn into  that person who doesn’t know what to do with their life.  Then I will never get invited out with friends.  My life has always had direction, jeez quite often it was actually ahead of me and I was plodding behind it.  What I mean is that the door opened for me before I had ever considered walking through it. Which leads me to see that I have never been the one to choose where my life is going.  I am simply following along, my hands in my pockets whistling some winn-dixie tune. Where would I be if I had been more assertive and had made real choices of where I wanted to go? Would I have ever stepped foot into a classroom as a teacher?  Would I have followed my dream of being a politician (yeah, really I wanted to get in to politics…)? OR would I have ended up as a waitress in a restaurant?

Oh my, oh my, oh my – can I be trusted with my own life?  I mean this is my only shot at it! What if I get it wrong? What if I try to do something that I’m not good at? What if I fail?  What if I keep my hands in my pockets and just let life lead me as usual – I mean it has all gone so well so far.  But will that truly make me happy?  Will I one day be 90 years old and will I say, “So glad I never made an active choice of what I was going to do with my life! Cheers to it!”

I think I am standing on the edge of the plank and considering whether or not to jump ship.  I could stay in the safety of the boat with everything I need and where I know I have security or I could dive into the uncertain waters…

For now, I am going to heat up a cinnamon roll and practice decision making by choosing to stay home or go to the gym.