River Brown

I keep stepping up a bit more trying on my big girl shoes, taking on more challenging tasks.  And wanting to grow to trust my judgment, rather than be so servile to my people pleasing nature.

Setbacks are sure to come, and a few arrived today. I was humbled back to my you-sure-blew-it child self by a new set of projection SmartBoard systems — and cowed into abjection by an iMovie project I left initializing on its own losing clips and creating some kind of loop for the replay.  Having the sound come on loud and clear after the session was over made frisse’ out of my nerves.

I looked at and rehearsed aloud the things that went well today — trying to stave off the sense that I was a flop…no worse, that I was in Deep Trouble, but the glitches and puzzlements seemed to outweigh the good stuff. I wanted everything to go perfectly because I felt like my colleague and I had been entrusted with our director’s “baby.”  Like when the parents come home and find that the babysitter hasn’t managed everything the way it was on the list.  Not good.  I felt like I wasn’t equal to what should have been a straightforward task – and to an orientation that has previously run rather smoothly.  Well, it wasn’t on purpose the things that happened but I’m responsible.  A person not on the final list showed up and insisted she had been accepted into the institute.  To err on the side of gracious we had to take her word but it was weird.  And another did not show and couldn’t be reached by phone and I worried.  And how I wish I’d had an hour or two to rehearse in that new high tech room and not run off to school the other morning letting iMovie initialize my project without supervision.

The detail of the day will be forgotten and the people things will get sorted out.  Communication and clarity.  Meanwhile, I am perturbed that I give myself such a hard time when things don’t go to my expectations.  Why does it take so long to have the disappointment wear off?  Am I waiting for absolution?

Maybe I should remember that when little girls put on mama’s heels sometimes they fall on their face.